Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: The Myth of Success and Failure

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The Myth of Success and Failure
February 01, 2010

Joseph Campbell wrote a book called Myths To Live By. What he said in that book is that every culture creates myths. A myth is simply a tale about man, his world, and how he fits into the world. Joseph Campbell said we create these stories and then we act them out in our lives. A big part of our myth is that it doesn't make any difference what the processes of our lives are like; it's only the result that counts.

Even some of our earliest myths, childhood stories, and nursery rhymes are about going through constant struggle and pain to end up with a good result. It's okay that Sleeping Beauty had to go through all her suffering because in the end she gets the Prince. Or, that Cinderella has to put up with her wicked stepmother and sisters because she fits the slipper and gets the handsome Prince.

We take this concept and magnify it in our culture. We magnify it into the "Myth of Success and Failure." As I said earlier, we were taught that the only thing that matters is the result, not the process.

Do you remember what it was like in undergrad or dental school? Everyone fought for the good grades rather than to learn something. Most people who managed to achieve a "four point" grade average will say they didn't learn that much. In fact, they would say "I could have learned more that was meaningful if I had not been going for that four point.” Many hated it because it was stressful; there wasn’t anything fun at all about it.

It's important to be clear about the difference between symbols and process. A symbol is a result. A process is an experience. Processes are the real meat of our life, but mostly we skip the processes. Why? Because we’re going for the goal, the result, the Symbol.

There are two things about “going for Success” and “avoiding Failure” that make it difficult. The first point is whether it's a success or failure is something we can only say after the event is over. While we're in the process, we can't know if the end is Success or if it’s Failure. The second point is that we always have to have the agreement of other people for our symbols have meaning.

For example, in a football game we can play the process of the game. Eventually, the game will end. If we're looking for the symbols of success or failure (win or lose), we'll know it when it's over. The thrill of the game is actually the anxiety built up waiting for the success or failure, or, win or lose.

Now, if we're in a longer process, say a marriage or a dental practice, we can't know if it's successful while we're in it, because we may be married or doing well today, but what about tomorrow?

A major difficulty with symbols is that while I'm working for it, I can't have it. While I'm in the process , I can't have the Symbol, either. If the symbol is something to which I have attached terrific desire and energy, if it's terribly important, chances are I'll completely miss the elements of the process because I’ll be so focused on the result.

What's the longest process we have? Life, of course. If life is a process and I'm looking for the symbolic Success or Failure , when will I know if I'm a success or not? For example, I might be a successful dentist or business owner today but go bankrupt tomorrow. If bankruptcy is a symbol of Failure to me, then I have failed.

Have you ever gone around and read any gravestones? Some of them are even kind of touching and meaningful. What about the one that says "Here Lies a Great Mom"? Doesn't that feel good? But what does that mean? She might have had all the symbols of a great Mom. She might have driven her kids, made sure they got into a good college, made sure that they got good grades, even great jobs and made good marriages.

But how was the process? The process could have been miserable. She might have never spent any leisure time with her children just playing with them, getting to know them. She might always have been driving her children. Is that the good Mom? Many people settle for just that.

Oh, and what about, "Here Lies a Great Dentist." Wouldn't that be terrific? That would certainly be worth being miserable for! (NOT ME!!!)

I have two boys. When they were a LOT younger, we would sometimes go to the park to play on the slides and swings. One day, I noticed some children playing. I noticed that a group of four to five-year-olds was playing on the slides. As I got closer, I saw a small boy halfway up the ladder. He had stopped because several of the other boys were watching him. He finished climbing the ladder without taking his eyes off the other boys, and then without a smile, he slid down. He walked over to the other boys and looked up to get their approval. He had already sold out to quit feeling what he was feeling for himself. He could only feel through other people’s eyes.

That's a tragedy that has occurred to a lot of us at different times. The only way we know whether we're doing okay is to look outside ourselves. It happened to us as young children when we were watched very carefully and we never had the chance to say how we feel. What they talked about is how good were our grades, not about how much did we enjoy school.

Here’s a short story entitled “If I Had My Life To Live Over” worth reading.

If I had my life to live over I’d make more mistakes. Sometimes I’d relax. I would limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I’d have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I’m one of those people who live sensibly and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I’d have more of them. In fact, I’d try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

What do you want your life process to be about? What do you want the process of taking care of people to be about? Are you on that path with unfailing accuracy right now? Or, does something not just feel right to you, perhaps by being too focused on the number of new patients, or reaching a certain production goal, trying to remain profitable in these recessionary times, or even achieving some sort of recognition?

These can be the incredible conversations that are life-changing, if you choose to have them. I’m fortunate (by design); I have them every day with those I coach, those I care for, and those I love.

I wish the same for you, and I hope you, too, want to enter into those conversations that will make so much difference in your life.

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