Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: Conflict's Magic

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Conflict's Magic - The Finale
May 01, 2009

Conflict is inevitable. Let's face it: Those who avoid conflict soon become doormats for others, disempowered, and generally suffer from lack of self-worth.

Of course, I'm not suggesting you seek out conflict! However, in the course of our life - be it at work, home, or anywhere else, there will always be disagreement. Your ability to handle that conflict in a productive and meaningful way will be one of the biggest determinants of your success.

Last month I asked you to identify 3 conflicts in your practice right now, whether you're involved in them or not. I also asked you to write down the approaches used in trying to resolve these conflicts and see if you can pick out which of the approaches previously discussed were being used in your practice.

Of course, the real beauty of the exercise is to understand that an approach WAS used, and begin to look at that approach from a different perspective, almost that of a detached onlooker. You see, when you can disengage yourself (especially your ego), it's easier to see what approach is being taken, and thus you're able to make corrections as needed.

So now I want to briefly discuss effective conflict resolution and how you can implement these strategies in your practice.

Effective conflict resolution encompasses these following principles:

1. Create an effective atmosphere.
2. Clarify perceptions.
3. Focus on individual and shared needs.
4. Build shared positive power.
5. Look to the future, then learn from the past.
6. Generate options.
7. Develop stepping-stones to action.
8. Make mutual-benefit agreements.

Lest this sounds too difficult or academic, let me provide a brief explanation of each principle.

Create an effective atmosphere ... this includes paying attention to your personal preparation, the timing, the location, and the initial opening statements the parties in conflict make once they are together. A common mistake is feeling you have to work out things NOW by jumping into the conflict. Take your time, allow your emotions to settle, and look for a time when distractions can be minimized and concentration maximized - for both parties - preferably on neutral ground. In a dental setting, consider using a place like a staff room or consultation room to talk. Avoid sitting behind a desk and having the person come into your office - you know what kind of comments that will start! When you begin talking, look to make this a partnership of dealing with the conflict through shared effort with the end result being that of an improved relationship.

Clarify perceptions ... this, of course, is about clarifying perceptions of the conflict. Remember that the conflict is just one part of the relationship, and it doesn't define the relationship. Start by clarifying your own perceptions. Avoid assumptions about the other party, and sort out the conflict without feeling rushed to come up with a solution. Remember, there will be occasions to agree to disagree, but look to build a positive relationship overall. How many times have you gotten into conflict only to realize you weren't even clear about your own perceptions?

Focus on individual and shared needs ... We all have needs. In fact, by having needs, it forms one of the essential bases for relationships. However, it's easy to confuse needs with WANTS and DESIRES. Make extra sure that you pay extra attention to personal and shared needs, because conflict often starts because needs are ignored.

Build shared positive power ... simply put, it's sharing the power to construct the process and move towards an effective resolution. If one person has all the power, the other person is disemboweled, and the conflict resolution process stops.

Look to the future, learn from the past ... The past certainly can get in the way, can't it? It's important to acknowledge the past, if there has been one with whom you are in conflict with. The fastest way to work through that is to seek to understand the other person's feelings, then look to forgive the other person of past conflicts. Forgiveness will certainly keep the lines of communication open.

Generate options ... For me, it's easy to jump to some preconceived answers of my own, which isn't helpful. To make sure the options are not preconceived answers, look for ways to find commonalities in these options. If you're not able to, then set aside an area you can't agree on, and look to strengthen other areas first. More than likely you'll be able to come back with a renewed perspective. When generating options, be open to the ideas and suggestions of others first, and continue to look for common ground.

Developing stepping stones ... These are specific steps that have a good chance of success, meet some individual and shared needs, and depend on shared power.

Make mutual benefit agreements ... This is the goal you're working towards. These agreements are built on everything mentioned previously ... clarified perceptions, realistic steps, etc. This process, done well, will also create future possibilities and withstand future conflicts, which inevitably will come up.

Now's the time to look at your approaches to resolving conflicts. How many of these steps did you accomplish in what you chose to do?

Conflict in a dental practice is inevitable, be it with staff members, patients, consultants, advisors, supply reps, or others. Your ability to resolve those conflicts in an empowering way to all will grow both you AND them, and you'll experience greater success and satisfaction in everything you do.

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