Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: Ask more. Tell less.

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Ask more. Tell less.
November 03, 2008

I’ve never known a successful dentist who was a good teller.

The tellers think they’re doing what they’re supposed to do: tell people what to do. This telling encompasses many forms, such as “educating patients”, directing and delegating staff, controlling the course of treatment for a patient, and generally disempowering people about thinking on their own.

Of course, they wonder why they don’t get the results they anticipated or wanted.

Let’s move away from your dental practice for just a minute and think about relationships with significant others. How well does telling go over with them? From my experience, not too well, and it’s generally disastrous if the person being told has a rebellious streak in them. The person being told is likely to do just the opposite of what they were told to do out of spite.

Back to your practice… Is it possible you have any secretly rebellious types in your practice? (Patients or staff members?) What type of results would you have by telling them what to do?

In dental school, most of us were taught to ask a few questions, mostly about symptoms the patient is having, then render a diagnosis based on whatever diagnostic tests we chose to perform. The patients then submitted to whatever they were told to do. If they didn’t want to do what was “diagnosed”, they had a choice: not show up and be banned from receiving deeply discounted dental care at the school in the future, or “do what they were told”.

What happens when WE (you and me) are told what to do?

When I’m told what to do, I don’t like it. I generally look for ways to not do what I’m told. I’ll look for ways to undermine the person telling me what to do. Why? Being told what to do makes me feel inferior, stupid, and any number of other things. I’ll bet I’m like you – or anyone else for that matter.

Think about those patients of yours. If they are like you or me – which they are – how do you think they feel when being “told”? Do you think they are apt to pursue treatment recommendations, refer patients to you, or be an “ambassador” for your practice?

Yes, I believe there’s a time and place for making statements without telling people what to do. Let’s look at those times so we can discern the time to tell as opposed to the time to ask. However, let’s look at what asking does.

How do you feel when you are asked your ideas, opinions, or thoughts? Do you feel more in partnership when you are communicating by being asked for input about plans or a project, or how things might be better accomplished around the office? Do you feel communication is more effective when being asked or being told?

Asking someone questions without strong agendas attached to them is powerful in many ways. Asking questions:

- Empowers people to make decisions
- Develops better collaborative relationships
- Allows the person have a choice of direction
- Allows the person to think for themselves
- Helps them make decisions based on their experiences
- Allows them to decide when they need more information from you
- Helps them make choices about their own values and beliefs
- Assists them in taking ownership of the task, problem, issue, or choice

Are there times to “tell” a patient what to do? Not many. Don’t believe me? I want you to think of a situation – the most difficult one you can think of – and role play how you could ask a question to get the best result, and one that is in the patient’s best interest. If you’ll take a few minutes to email me with your situation, I’ll put your ideas and solutions in an upcoming issue. It’s likely you’ll hit upon a situation someone else has had difficulty with before, and you’ll be helping them.

Next time you’re ready to tell someone something, stop yourself and think how you might ask it in a question. You’ll be amazed at the possibilities that present themselves! (And that’s good for your practice AND your relationships!)

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