Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: Dumped on

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Dumped on - or DUPED?
August 05, 2007

Many years ago, I felt dumped on by lots of people. It was symptomatic of several skills I had never learned to that point in my life, and it was getting old.

For example, my Office Administrator used to burst into my office and start rattling off problems with the staff, the computers, or anything else that day that wasn't going right. Usually I was engrossed in getting paperwork done, reviewing patient records, or the many other things that being a dentist/owner required of me. I'd stop, listen, and try to offer solutions, many of which were rejected, and generally spend a lot of unproductive time trying to fix whatever was the current matter. You know the routine, don't you? (If you're not a dentist, I know you can apply this same scenario to hundreds of different situations.)

By stopping whatever I was doing and giving precedence to some "urgent" matter, I was doing several things. For starters, I had not established any boundaries. (Boundaries are invisible barriers of what is acceptable or unacceptable, set by a person.) By not having set a boundary, my Office Administrator was free to burst into my office anytime she pleased.

Secondly, by participating in the problem, I became either a part-owner or complete owner. And, many people are very willing for someone else to own their problem!

Third, I became the problem-solver, the fixer - and almost always felt very handicapped at trying to come up with the solution, which (as you might guess) was hardly ever the best solution. It was very frustrating! How could I come up with a solution by never understanding all the details of the problem . details I couldn't possibly know!

To solve such matters in your office (or your life), the first step is to establish boundaries several times bigger than what you may have established so far. If you would imagine an invisible barrier around you that's 10 feet in diameter, you would want to now make it 30 feet in diameter instead. In my real life example, I created a boundary that when my Office Manager had an issue/problem to discuss with me she 1) would first check with me as to when a good time would be for ME to discuss it with her, 2) I would need her to properly explain ALL the details of the problem/issue to me first, and 3) SHE would need to come up with at least three plausible solutions for the problem/issue.

What do you think happened as a result of me setting that boundary?

No longer was I unexpectedly interrupted, which allowed me to get my work completed. No longer was I the owner of the problem, because my Office Administrator owned it. And, she had to make sure she understood the problem completely to come up with a minimum of three solutions. No longer did I feel the frustration (and anxiety) of trying to come up with a solution I almost always could predict would not be the best solution, or at least one that was either off-mark or heavily criticized.

In the long run, I was also training my Office Administrator to solve her own problems/issues by properly framing the problem/issue (understanding all of the components and placing them in perspective) and coming up with the solution that best fit the problem/issue. After all, she probably knew more of the nuances of the problem/issue than I did or that she could communicate with me. In short, she needed me less, I got more done, she experienced more satisfaction and competence - everybody won!

So, how do people fail to set boundaries, such as in this example? In my experience, the most common reason is the need for CONTROL. Many folks just can't let other people in their business (or life) make decisions, so their employees (spouse, significant others, children) become disempowered, frustrated, and sometimes downright angry.

Also, the EGO gets in the way. We all have egos, and learning to recognize when your ego is showing up is important - and a lifelong quest! If you have to be the one providing the answers, then maybe that's a hint . Look honestly and look hard at what you are doing.

Go ahead . set those boundaries much bigger than you ever thought you could . and enjoy the benefits now. It takes practice, so why not start immediately? Make a list of those areas on your life or business that you KNOW you need to set stronger boundaries, then write them down. Next, write down several ways you can either put the boundary in place or expand it several times over. Then, meet with the person/people whom you need the boundary to be set, and make the request in a non-charged fashion, such as "Jane, what I will need for you to do from now on when you have a problem or issue to discuss with me, I need you to first ___."

Go ahead, set those boundaries. Good fences do make good neighbors!

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