Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: Giving Oneself Away

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Giving Oneself Away
July 05, 2007

We're caregivers. Despite whatever reasons we chose dental school, we're eventually forced to deal with the fact that we care for people. If you're NOT a dentist and reading this, don't worry - there's plenty of thoughtful reflection in this for you, too.

Think about how we care for another . what do we do? For many, we offer our help, support, encouragement, love, and understanding. Other ways include service, acknowledgement, gifts, touch, and empathy.

What happens when we do that? What are we giving away? Go back and look at the things we give away when we care for one another. What do you see as common themes?

Historically - and I mean thousands of years ago - there was this strange twist in the evolution of how we lived together. Initially, we were hunter-gatherers, living in small tribes, moving from place to place in search of food, shelter, and protection. If we met another tribe, we either fled or killed the other tribe. Eventually, we moved from this nomadic lifestyle to that of an agrarian culture, which meant that we stayed put, grew crops, and learned how to get along (for the most part!) with others, learning to trade an excess of what we could produce with someone else's excess, enabling us to no longer have to wander around for food.

Then there was that strange twist: when we traded our goods for someone else's goods, we also became EMOTIONALLY dependent on the other person. In essence, we began to give ourselves to other people. We not only traded what we produced, but by some weird quirk we attached our emotional needs in that process.

And that has led to thousands of years of problems.

So the question is begged: How do we care for someone without giving away our emotions - ourselves - in the process? That's a tough question, so let's look at other aspects of this process before continuing.

What does it really mean to "give ourselves away"? I learned a very simple test many years ago that I would ask you to try. Ask yourself this simple question: If (fill in the blank) was no longer a part of my life, would there be a part of me missing? Let me give you an example. If your dog died today, would you feel as if a part of you died, too? Most of us would say yes - and that's what giving oneself away is all about. There's a piece of us that is gone (at least temporarily), and it has left us feeling at least partially empty. If we keep doing this time and time again with other aspects of our life, then guess what? Not only have we become less-than-whole, we have also learned a damaging habit that reeks havoc on our life is so many ways. How so?

How about a few more examples? If you lost all your money, would you feel less-than-complete? What about your best friend? A parent? A lover? Ouch! Most of us would feel the sting of that loss, wouldn't we? Of course, it's normal to feel grief over the loss of most things in our life, especially people. And typically, that grief period may last up to three months. Beyond that, it's no longer grief: it's the loss of some part of ourselves that is no longer around. And by the way, we can give ourselves away to intangible things, too, such as a car or house, or to the protection of our ego at all cost.

My experience has been that once a person has learned to give oneself away - whether it's to money, another person, a dog, a concept, an idea, a patient - anything - it is a hard habit to break. We do it to everyone and everywhere. Piece by piece, we become less than whole, and soon we have nothing left, or at least very little. We feel empty, sometimes angry, have loss of energy, and so forth. Not a strong, solid place to be.

Of course, the first question is how do we NOT give ourselves away? If we've known no other way, how do we break this long-standing habit, passed from generation to generation?

Perhaps we should first look at what happens when WE are the recipient of someone trying to give themselves away to US. How does it feel? Good? Not so good? Do we always want it? My experience is that most of the time we don't; it's too awesome of a responsibility to "be responsible" for another person's feelings, emotions - or even life. Yet most of the time we accept it; it soothes our ego, it makes us feel important, it makes us feel more complete. And why? Because we, too, have given our own self away to others and are feeling the emptiness that comes with doing that. When we can feel just a little bit better about ourselves by receiving what others are giving us, we mostly will take it.

However, understanding this concept completely and applying it in your life is perhaps one of the most important things you can do for yourself and for those you care about, whether it's family members, friends, or patients.

Start by identifying when you give yourself away and when you don't. What do you notice? Can you feel the difference? Specifically, what IS the difference? If you notice it, that's the first step. The second step - stopping it - isn't as hard. However, most of us will be left feeling rather funny or awkward about it. It's OK; it's just new. With further awareness and practice, you'll discover all of the ways you've been giving yourself away. Don't be shocked at what you discover!

The third step is longer and takes much more time. It is RECLAIMING all the parts of yourself you have given away. How? For everyone, it's different, and for some, it may seem "woo-woo", but here it goes. Form a clear intention of taking back what you gave away. It's that simple. In time, you will regain what you lost.

Congratulations, you're on your way to a more wholesome and fulfilling life! Take note that others may notice a change in you, and some may not like it . and the truth is, they're probably the ones who have taken the most from you.

Have no fear, you won't lose your identity, although it may feel uncomfortable at first. In reality, you'll gain a stronger sense of identity, you'll become more whole and complete as a person, and you'll be able to make clearer - and cleaner - decisions about daily matters and matters than will affect you for many, many years to come. You won't be viewed as snotty, stuck-up, self-centered, or anything else you may fear. You will be viewed as a strong person, centered in your being, more able to make clearer decisions. Perhaps best of all, you will be able to distinguish the BEST way of being of help, of caring, and of loving someone.

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