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A MUST-HAVE Tool to Set You Free
April 08, 2007
Self-censoring; we all do it.
One "icebreaker" I use at some workshops is a little improvisational game called "Invisible Balls". The game goes like this: I ask the group to stand up and make a large circle with plenty of elbow room. I then show the group an invisible ball which they are going to use to pass around the group. The rules are simple. Whoever throws the ball has to make a sound as they throw it; the person catching the ball has to make a sound as they catch it. The ball is tossed around the group until at least each person has had the opportunity to catch and throw the ball.
How fast do you think the throw-and-catch goes at first? If you guessed PAINFULLY SLOW, you're right. You can just see "the wheels turning" about what sound to use, the nervousness, the hoping they-don't-throw-it-to-me posture, and the I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-such-a-silly-thing looks. After several . long . excruciating minutes, the ball tossing picks up a little speed. A smile or two breaks through. There's a giggle here and there. When everyone seems to be more comfortable with the game, I stop it and add a second ball; later a third ball. Eventually, there's chaos and plenty of nervous laughter. The game is stopped.
What was hard about the game? Usually I'm told "thinking of what sound to make". Why is that so hard? We all probably have hundreds of sounds we can make, right? Why the hesitation?
Self-censoring.
How does self-censoring limit your practice's capabilities? What effect does it have on your relationships? How does it weaken your communications to co-workers/staff members, your children, parents, others? How does self-censoring hod you back in your experience of life?
Self-censoring.
We tend to hold back what we really want to say, need to say, MUST say, "got to say" - for a variety of reasons. Here's where our brain shifts into high gear: it's the litany of reasons WHY NOT TO SAY. Our brain is using its tremendous capacity to give us a mile-long list of reasons to not say what we need to say, without hardly any effort. It's like a knee-jerk reflex.
A friend said to me recently, "Life is not a dress rehearsal." It's not unique and probably has been said in thousands of different ways. Which way will catch your attention? We DO know life is short, that we SHOULD say the things we think, feel, and believe. Why don't we? Why don't you?
Self-censoring.
Many years ago, I was enjoying an after-dinner drink on the porch of a mentor's house, sitting in the pitch dark, looking out over a large lake, the breeze gently blowing across our faces. It was very late at night and it was just the two of us; we had spent a long and fulfilling day working with another person who was intent on finding their way through life. A question popped into my head: Why are we afraid of dying? After several moments of wonderful silence, he said, "Because we're afraid we haven't lived". It was right then-and-there I decided I was going to live, because I didn't want to be afraid to die. The majority of the rest of the evening was spent in silence, both of us lost in our thoughts, the quiet, the contentedness each of us felt at that moment, perhaps enjoying just BEING. It was also right then-and-there I committed myself to only doing those things I really wanted to do in life. Perhaps now you know a little more about why I enjoy coaching: helping others find their way is REALLY LIVING to me!
Self-censoring.
I have several very important questions for you about self-censoring. Go ahead and get a paper and pen, because taking the time to answer these questions for yourself will have a hundred times more powerful effect than just reading the questions. Ready? OK, now proceed.
- In what ways do your censor yourself? Take some time and answer this fully.
- In what ways do you hold yourself back? Make a list.
- What thoughts, feelings, requests, or responses do you need to tell someone, now? Make a list of those, too, and what you plan to do about them.
- What support do you need to live your life without censoring? Make this list, too. Consider working with a coach to help you navigate your practice and your life.
End self-censoring.
If you love someone, tell them. If someone has crossed a boundary, tell them and make a request. If someone is not holding their part of an agreement, tell them. If you have an intuition about something or someone, follow it. If you want something, ask for it.
When you end self-censoring, there's a whole new world for you to experience.
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