Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: The Space between Stimulus and Response

Newsletter Archives

Previous article: The Genius Within You
Next article: Clutter, My Sacred Objects, Space, and Non-Attachment

The Space between Stimulus and Response
February 13, 2006

Have you ever noticed yourself responding a certain way to a situation, feeling like you couldn't respond the way you liked, wanted, or intended? Or, perhaps responding a certain way because of your beliefs, values, expectations, attitudes?

The space between a stimulus and a response is called choice. In this article, I want you to pause for a moment to examine that space we call choice.

Put another way, choice is the freedom to choose. Do you feel like you have choice in your life? In your practice? In your relationships? In your work? In how you feel? In what you do? Why or why not?

For me, having choice is everything to me. I highly value choice; without it, I don't feel creative, I don't feel empowered, I don't feel alive. I feel imprisoned, angry, hopeless, and sometimes even helpless. I don't like it.

There definitely have been times in my life when I didn't feel "I had a choice". For instance, when my business partner committed suicide and I was left with $600,000 debt to his estate, I didn't feel like I had choice: I had to work, I had to keep my nose to the grindstone. I knew I had to pay off the debt no matter what the toll. I had a misguided belief that if I didn't make it, I was a failure and life as I knew it would be over. I couldn't imagine it any other way. So I worked 70+ hours a week to "keep it all together". (By the way, I paid back every dime.) Choice did not feel like an option to me - at that time - and no pun intended.

And as you might guess, the effects of that on me physically and emotionally were staggering. Quickly, signs of stress overload appeared in my life. Relationships were falling apart. I kept looking for ways to escape. I was hard to be with, to work for. There was little fun in my life. I was tired all the time. I became irritable. I was angry. I quit listening. I landed two lawsuits. I was thinking that I didn't want life like this anymore. I had really boxed myself into a corner all because I didn't feel I had a choice. Do you notice some of these same feelings in your life when you feel "you have no choice"?

Perhaps you've had similar experiences, perhaps not. So, what about the choices - even the littlest ones, which you make on a daily basis? For example, what about the small choice of what you are going to eat for breakfast? Do you box yourself into a corner and eat oatmeal, fruit, and water because you would feel guilty if you really ate eggs, bacon, and toast with jam? What about the choice of how to respond to the lack of respect a co-worker shows for you? Do you get angry at them, then talk about them behind their back, relegating yourself to their level?

What about the choices of relationship? Do you stay in a relationship because it is loving, nurturing, mutually-supportive, and caring? Or are there other reasons that you stay in that relationship, reasons that are generally unfulfilling and negative? Difficult questions, no doubt. And the answers can even more difficult.

There is always choice, and we are always choosing between A or B or C and so forth. There is indeed a risk and a payoff for every choice we make. But again, there is always choice.

What about the third option, not choosing at all? Not making choice is what is called dilemma. It is a slow, insidious death of our spirit, gnawing away at us, slowly making us angry, depressed, powerless. Choosing to stay in dilemma by being unable to make a choice is a very uncomfortable place indeed. It's a true spirit-killer.

How does one go about choosing, in a practical sense? In short, do the best you can. I did the best I could with what happened to me in my earlier example, but it may not have been my choice today. I didn't talk with anyone about my options. I didn't know there were other answers. We can only choose based on what we know, how we feel, what our intuition tells us. Having someone to talk things over with is invaluable and can help us sift and sort through the challenges and curveballs thrown at us. It can help us see things we cannot see because we are caught up in the drama of whatever is going on. Or it may provide valuable feedback and information to help us make the best decision for ourselves.

Recognize when you are staying in dilemma; recognize when you don't need to make a decision so quickly. Pay attention to that space between the stimulus and the response. Most things will wait until you feel centered and grounded enough to make the best decision for you.

Know that the space exists, and that is where your choice lies.

Previous article: The Genius Within You
Next article: Clutter, My Sacred Objects, Space, and Non-Attachment

Newsletter Archives