Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: Enabling: Do you know you're doing it?

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Enabling: Do you know you're doing it?
August 27, 2005

"I just don't understand it. I've talked with her many times about being a better contributor to the team. For a while, she'll participate more, but then she's back to her old ways again. What am I supposed to do?"

Are you READY to stop beating your head against the wall? Good! But hold on - we're going to look at your participation in situations such as these.

When we allow someone to continue doing what they're doing - assuming it's counterproductive, non-contributory, or even harmful - we're giving them permission to keep on doing that. For example, when your assistant or co-worker doesn't follow through on assigned tasks, and then you pick up the loose or incomplete pieces or ask someone else to do it, you've just communicated to that person - and everyone else on your team - that it's OK to not get the work done. In essence, you've enabled your assistant/co-worker to not do the job. Or when your spouse spends a fortune on a wardrobe when the money's just not there and you work harder to make up for his/her spending spree, you've just enabled your spouse to not be responsible about money.

When we get caught up in little scenarios like these we often don't think much about them, especially the ones that don't seem to take much of our time or seem petty. We just pick up the pieces and stuff our feelings of anger and resentment (even if they're small), but don't do much else about them. Then the pattern repeats over and over again, and the frustration and resentment mount.

At my house, I wondered how long it would be before SOMEBODY would take the trash out - the trash cans would just overflow and overflow. Eventually, I would take them out, and life would go on, but I would be frustrated that no one would pitch in; I seemed to be the one ALWAYS taking the trash out. In essence, I was just enabling my family to not pitch in and help out by me being the one to always take the trash out.

Enabling another also allows others to cross our boundaries - those aspects of ourselves, our work, our position, or our relationships that are off-limits. Allowing these violations without recourse or redirection is a form of enabling. The person consciously or unconsciously did it once without repercussion, so the assumption is often made (usually unconsciously) that they can just do it again.

Not establishing standards to be acknowledged and followed is another example of how we enable people. As a business owner, if I don't establish performance standards for my team, most everyone would generally just do what they want. By me not establishing standards, I would be enabling my team to run amuck. My experience with most business owners is that standards, boundaries, and job expectations aren't clearly defined and thoroughly communicated. As a result, the business suffers decreased productivity and profitability, and working in the business is not nearly as enjoyable as could (should!) be.

So, next time you're irritated someone didn't follow through with their part of the deal, ask yourself: what's my role in this and how am I enabling them not to change/participate? Where do I need to have clearer communications, set broader boundaries, or tighten my expectations and standards?

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