Dr. Don Deems, the Dentist's Coach - Free Newsletter: First, get them a cup of coffee

Newsletter Archives

Previous article: Victimitis . By Example
Next article: To the Breaking Point

First, get them a cup of coffee
June 28, 2005

I could tell by the look on her face: she wasn't interested in what I had to say. But I knew that she needed to hear it. So, I went about my plan, not really caring if she wanted to hear it. I knew that it might be falling on deaf ears, but I did it anyway. She listened with her arms crossed, looked down at the ground, and when I finished she trudged off. Why couldn't she understand that I was trying to help? I could see the situation so clearly . I knew my advice was solid, I knew it would help her, even if she didn't want to hear it.

We've all been in the situation of knowing what would help somebody so much, that we'll pretty well ignore everything else to tell them what (we think) they need to know. After all, it's so much easier to see someone else's situation than it is to see our own.

Put yourself in the same situation, except you're the person that needs to hear something. How long did it take you until you were open to hear what you needed to hear? How many times did you have to hear it until you really heard it? What had to happen for you to be ready to listen? Your answers will be the same or similar to most everyone else, so listen closely to your answers.

For most of us, we want to figure it out on our own. We tell ourselves asking for outside help means we're weak, unable to solve our own problems. We're not usually ready to listen until we've tried everything else, until we've suffered long enough, or until we have felt enough "pain" to do something about it.

How would you approach someone who needs help? How would you approach a staff member or co-worker who was struggling? What about a loved one?

I have a few suggestions for your consideration. To start, first ask yourself if you'd be willing to get them a cup of coffee, not necessarily in a literal sense, but in a figurative sense. Are you will to sit down with them to listen, first and foremost?

Second, find out if the person is even open to hearing it. Start slowly, sensitively. Constantly ask yourself, "Am I sensing that he/she is open to hearing me?" Even more, "Am I feeling they will take what I have to say to heart and grow through it or learn from it?" If you're feeling either one of the above questions isn't true for the person at this moment, don't continue. It's best to just enjoy that cup of coffee with them and listen; there will be time later to share your thoughts, concerns, insights, and ideas.

On the other hand, if the answer is yes, then go ahead - they will be open to hearing you.

Either way, it's a win-win situation, and you've shown that you care enough to listen not just to them, but to yourself. Remember, it's just like the old saying, "People don't care what you know; they want to know that you care."

Previous article: Victimitis . By Example
Next article: To the Breaking Point

Newsletter Archives